The "C" Word

Let’s talk about commitment! Such a major factor in our lives, don’t you agree? It can literally break or make a relationship. Commitment makes the difference in the way a person reacts to their relationship. It sets the tone. I once had a guy say to me, “I don’t do commitments.” I just stared at him in shock, wondering what would become of him in life. 

Commitment matters in every relationship that exists: on your job, at school (with assignments, going to class), your family, your children, your friends, even your integrity, for crying out loud! My acquaintance stated he didn’t want to be tied down. I said, “good luck with that.” I don’t know what became of him. I wish him well.

I see some commitments as contracts without the paper and ink. For instance, promising to bring desserts for Thanksgiving dinner, providing the snacks for movie night at your friends’ house, better yet, promising to help your friend move. These are examples of verbal commitments. Have you even copped out of a commitment? I have, and it created a domino effect of poor trust issues. Now I am more mature (ah-hem), I know my limitations and I no longer have those problems. Growth!

Recently I heard something that caused me to take a serious look at marriage. Is anyone familiar with the talk show, “The Real?” If not, I’ll give you a brief run-down. The daytime talk show features four women: Loni Love, Tamera Mowry, Adrienne Bailon-Haughton and Jeannie Mai. These women discuss hot topics in fashion, relationships, motherhood, and marriage.  It is not unusual for the hostesses to share personal stories of their struggles or victories with their viewers. However, this one caused me to get emotional.

After 13 years, Jeannie Mai’s marriage had ended. I know you may think why would you let some celebrity divorce affect you, they divorce all the time. Well, because I HATE divorce! It runs deep. I know some cases deem necessary for a divorce, but nowadays people divorce for such fickle reasons, it’s ridiculous! Just my opinion. Anyway, the reason for this divorce shocked me due to the sensitivity of the issue.  

Apparently, she doesn’t want children. Before her and her husband Freddy got married, they agreed not to have any children. Now after 13 years, Freddy wants a child and she still doesn’t, so that’s it! A divorce, for the most part. Whoa! What a huge deal! I have so many mixed emotions and questions. Why? Why not have a baby? Isn’t there a compromise? Will you throw away your marriage just like that? She claimed she loves him and he’s a great guy with wonderful qualities (he is fine, too), but she doesn’t want to have a baby FOR HIM (so he would stay), because she has no desire to have a child. Sigh…

How many people discuss these life-changing decisions before marriage? I mean, who talks about how many children they intend to have? What type of house you’ll live in? Parenting strategies? Public school or private? Finances? Sex? What you like and don’t like? City life or country? I could go on… I’m sure some people do. I know a lady who planned all three of her pregnancies for the age differences, but she couldn’t choose their gender. We still have limited control. However, regardless of the decisions made, over time, people change.

Marriage is a journey. People grow during the different seasons of their life, just like plants in the seasons. Perspectives, emotions, attitudes, relationships with other people, preferences, choices, mannerisms, weight, family structures, all change during a marriage. I find it impossible to stay the same throughout a marriage. Change should occur because it represents growth. The fact Freddy now wanted a child cannot be blamed on either of them. His perspective changed but hers didn’t. Can we avoid situations like this happening to us? Let’s see… 

 Regardless of how we set our lives, plan, predict, discuss, we can’t control certain outcomes, especially when it comes to other people. Life doesn’t come with a manual at birth. We must deal with whatever comes, when it does, the best way we can.

I just recently celebrated 13 years of marriage and I am so grateful to have made it this far, despite our differences in opinions, backgrounds, the conflicts, and everything else. Regarding the previous issue, my husband thinks two commitments shouldn’t be broken because of his desires. He thinks if they committed to not having children, even though his desire has changed, they should remember their marriage vows and the commitments they made and stick to them. I say easier said than done.

Commitment means everything to my husband. If he gives his word to do something, he will be there, guaranteed. Me? Meh. I try hard, but sometimes I fail…miserably.  I struggled with commitment early in our marriage, because when things got difficult, I always wanted to leave. We decided the word divorce wasn’t an option for us. We have grown tremendously, and I have learned to endure and work out the kinks. We have five children and I would not consider staying with him for the sake of our children if we had fallen out of love. Why not? Because I believe staying in a relationship for children, who grow up and have their own lives, will not benefit the parents in the end. After they leave, then what? Will we then split up? Nope, my marriage comes first! Till death do us part.  Ya dig?

Written commitment contracts come with more legality. Buying a house, getting married, buying a car, getting a loan for school, getting a job, a credit card, lease agreements, show examples of commitments done in writing. When couples are ready to wed, they apply for a marriage license, then the ceremony is conducted by a licensed minister or justice of a peace. They swear before God, and witnesses to love till death do us part. Marriage is a covenant. Nothing shouldn’t cause it to dissolve, but sadly people change, and they sometimes do horrible things causing divorce to occur.

What would you do about Jeannie’s situation? That’s tough. I felt her pain when she explained her situation. Letting go of her husband because of irreconcilable differences. Sigh… I honestly don’t know, but as a woman with children, I understand her decision. Children are a gift from God, a miracle even, but they change your life. Marriages also dissolve because of children. At the end of the day, we choose to commit. Decisions aren’t forced upon us. But we must live with the decisions we make. As I did my friend in the beginning with his life, I wish them well also.

Well, my dear readers, I wish you all long life, success and lots of love. We live in a world where commitments break daily and having integrity doesn’t mean much. Be the change you want to see. Make a difference in your world wherever you go.

Thank you for reading! Come back next week when we talk about “The L Word” 😊