Matters of the Heart

Matters of The Heart

Let’s get intimate! Not that kind of intimacy…that will come later. We are discussing what lies beneath physical appearance. We have connected, we have physical attraction, now we get to the heart of the matter. 

Have you ever saw something that looked appealing but midway through (a book, food, movie, clothing, accessories, etc.) you felt you got robbed or hoodwinked? We have all experienced this. Well, this happens in relationships as well. Some situations arise early, while others, take time to show up. However, when a problem surfaces, you must decide what you will do, when the time comes. As usual, I will share mine at the end.

What happens when time, energy, heart, and soul have been invested in something, and you realize you may have to let it go? Is it easy? Or is it hard? There is no definite answer because we are all individuals and what works for one may not work for another.

When do you think is the best time to get to know someone? On dates? Or when life pops up and the real person makes an appearance? On dates, everyone is on their best behavior and impressing each other is the focus. What if you had to cancel a date last minute because your apartment flooded? Their response will tell you a whole lot about them. Do they rush to help you or say, “Sorry to hear, can we still meet after you’re done?” Run! And thank God. You've dodged a bullet.

Remember we can control our actions, but we can’t control someone else’s. How they respond in situations is not for us to guess, assume, or believe we can change them in time. Relationships don’t work like that. The quote, "when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time," used in the beginning is true to the word. You have the power to choose to accept a person or walk away when things don't feel right to you.

 Stay or Run

What are some triggers that can make or break your relationship? This section deals with specifics that can cause hiccups in relationships. Please note that Respect and Communication are huge in any relationship and it is a two-way street. This list is for relationships in the first six months to a year. Hopefully, by then you have an idea of the person’s character and might be questioning some “triggers.” If you are in a long-term relationship or even married, these lists may help you put things in perspective. Perhaps a situation isn’t getting better, or you need to have a heart-to-heart with your partner.  Importantly, knowing your limits, will make the best decision for you.

STAY IF THEY

·         Support your endeavors and encourages your growth.

·         Nurse you back to health when you are sick, 

·         Surprise you for no reason; flowers, fruit baskets, gifts, dates, etc. (if you don’t like surprises, this should be expressed early and possibly compromise)

·         Share your concerns  and respects your values, time, and efforts

·        Value characteristics such as;  honesty, trust, and loyalty matters a whole lot to them

·         Understand things happen but make time for you; (you get to call into work and can’t make a date, they decide to meet you after work or take meal to your job)

·         Introduce you to special people in their life

·         Respond to your calls or texts in a reasonable time

·         Believe you are where you are and doing what you say they are doing

·         Difference in opinions doesn’t call for huge fights; it is ok to disagree on matters

·         Arguments are fair and handled appropriately; if you are looking to marry, this is the time to practice

RUN IF THEY

·         Question your whereabouts constantly; lack of trust

·         Disrespects and embarrasses you in public and private

·         Are Abusive; verbal, emotional, physical, mental; Controlling behaviors

·         Have Substance abuse; alcohol, legal and illegal drugs, caffeine, nicotine

·         Show no interest in progressing; no interest in higher education or have career goals

·         Complain but is not interested in doing what it takes to change the situation

·         Not reliable; changes their mind, lies about whereabouts

·        Have Addictions; porn, tv, video games, shopping, sex, social media

·         Cheat; admits he sees more than one woman at a time

·         Don't see eye to eye on anything

·         Financial abuse; spends with no regard for the future

·         Afraid to get close; commitment issues

These are a few red flags in relationships. Many more reasons exist as to why one should stay or leave. You allow what comes in your space. Some issues are bigger than others. However, in the end, you must when enough is enough.

Please feel free to share your relationship trigger. Why did you stay? Did you ever run? I would love to connect with you.

My story as promised: My husband was anti-social, but not an introvert (weird, right?). Anyway, I have a big family and when we had get-togethers, he will greet everyone but disappear for the remainder of our stay until time to leave. I understood to an extent why he did it, but I hated it! Everything else about him was wonderful, so I endured. I stayed because I really liked him and I figured time would tell (relationship was relatively new). Thankfully, it didn’t last long, but there is always something. Communication and respect is key! Just talk about it! If it is worth fighting for, work for it! If it doesn’t work out, at least you tried!  He wanted the relationship to work as well, and that made the journey easier. 

Join me next week as we discuss “Are you Petty?”